Signs of Codependency

What is co-dependency?

Codependency is heavily relying on something or someone to aid a persons emotional needs and boost their self esteem.

The origin of the term codependency was coined in the 1980s and was referred to substance abuse within individuals. Since the 80’s the term has been used frequently in response to wellbeing, mental health, and domestic violence.

Codependency looks like attaching yourself to someone you love and when you’re not around them, you feel sad, lonely or you feel like someone has taken away your joy.

Basic human instincts are to be loved and to be cared for and we can all agree when we feel loved, we feel happier in our relationships and it creates a stronger bond.

When it can turn unhealthy is when an individual’s mood is impacted by someone not being in the space and their life depends on that person. The extreme end of codependency can detrimental to not only the individual’s mental health but the recipient too.

Codependency can be subtle but through continual self-development of unlearning this habit, therapy, and journaling. A person can find themselves becoming less dependant and standing in their power.

The signs of codependency:

• Finding it hard to say no
• Putting others needs before yours
• Not establishing your boundaries
• Breaking your boundaries
• You feel you have to ‘fix’ people
• Being dependant on others in fear of abandonment

 

How To Be Friends With Your Fear

Fear is that one word we can hear and the hairs on the back of our necks stand up. Fear is the feeling or thoughts that stop you from pursuing a goal, based on the idea it might go wrong. The fear response is located in the area of our brain called the amygdala, the amygdala stores every experience that has made you scared or happy. When we want to do something new, our amygdala compartmentalise whether the new decision is good or bad. The brain equates good with safety and familiarity and bad with danger and vulnerability; based on this information it can be determined what we do next.

We might not be able to overcome our fear because believe it or not, it is there to protect us but we can befriend it.

Seeing your fear as an ally rather than an enemy is one way of befriending your fear. Speak to your fear as you would to a friend or a family member. When you start to be governed by your fear, use the following phrase ‘Thank you for your protection but, I would like to take on this challenge”, this phrase allows you to acknowledge and thank the amygdala for its protection but understands to grow you need to step out your comfort zone.

One way we can feel the fear and do it anyway is by starting small. Start by doing small tasks that take you out your comfort zone for example, if you have a fear around speaking to someone new without stumbling over your words, why not practise in the mirror what you would like to say during the conversation, allowing you to feel confident and at ease when it comes to the real thing.

For many cities and towns across the world lockdown has been gradually lifting since COVID-19 and this announcement can cause anxiety around adjusting to the new way of living. If you are feeling fearful about going outside, a way to combat this feeling is by going somewhere in your local area. You might be flooded with lots of thoughts but remember to use the phrase ”Thank you for your protection but, I would like to take on this challenge” and acknowledge your achievement with confidence. By feeling good you will start to be more inclined to do other activities with more confidence and less fear.

 

 

 

Live everyday with gratitude X

 

4 SIGNS YOU’RE SELF SABOTAGING

We all dream about being successful and for many of us this is something we are working on but, there is this one thing that keeps stopping us and that is ourselves. Self-sabotage is the act of stopping one’s self from achieving our goals and dreams. Here are some ways that self-sabotage is contributing to your life.

 

 

1.Comparison- You compare yourself to others and their achievements and question your ability to being ‘not good enough’.

 

2. Procrastination- When a deadline is near you tend to procrastinate; you distract yourself from what you need to do by doing unnecessary activities that don’t contribute to what you need to focus on. And when you try to go back into the routine you find it hard to keep up motivation.

 

3. Negative self-talk- This coincides with procrastination, when you’re putting something off, it can start to be governed by your fear and your ego ( that annoying voice that tells you we can’t do anything), when you hear your ego talking, you can feel disheartened and feed into the negative self-thought that ‘you’re not good enough’ or you’re not like that person who’s thriving.

 

4. You’re focusing on the problem and not the solution- When a problem occurs, all 3 previous signs play a massive role in your self-sabotage. You start to immerse yourself in what is wrong and let the emotions take over. It can lead to not thinking logically about the solution that can help you get out of this problem and this feeling.

Can you identify with one of these signs?……

Now that you’ve identified with one or more signs what ways can you combat this? Let’s see how we can create a solution.

Solutions to these signs can look like:

1. Focus- Focusing on your journey and the achievements you have made during your lifetime. Celebrating how far you have come can help boost your self-confidence to achieve more.

2. Weed out what is not necessary- Nowadays it’s quite easy to get yourself distract through your phone, tv, conversations, and many other things. To counteract procrastination. Why not remove any unnecessary devices out of your space or if you’re getting distracted by someone you can politely request that you would like 30 minutes to yourself without being distracted.

3. Change your tune-It’s easy to listen and get consumed by your negative thoughts when it’s running at 100 mph and your ego starts to project their fears on to you and, it’s also scary the thought of failure as no one likes to feel that way, but, by changing the way you speak to yourself and/or of situations can present a different outcome. Wouldn’t you rather say ‘I’m glad I took the risk and did that’, instead of ‘I wish I did that’.

4. Solution >Problem-A great way to overcome a problem is to remove yourself and look at it from a Birdseye view. Remove the ‘I’ statement and see what can be done to change this problem into a solution.

 

”Self-sabotage kills more dreams than failure ever will”– The Grounded Tree